SELECTIONS from TOP TEN | APRIL 2008 | archives: BACK TO CURRENT
Biggest Technology Flops
Publicity for these products went into hyperdrive -- then they crashed headfirst into a virtual wall
by Kevin Almasy
10. Kazaa
Kazaa was one of the lone person-to-person file-sharing applications that offered a great chance at both frying your computer and getting you arrested. Not only was it the RIAA's go-to site, but it also dropped enough spyware, pop-up spam, and useless toolbars onto your mainframe to befuddle your PC into a motherboard meltdown.
9. Windows Vista
Using Vista is like downing a cheap shot of vodka -- it burns going down, then you convince yourself you like it and eventually, for unknown reasons, it becomes your drink of choice. After more than six years of development, Vista by all accounts bombed and Microsoft even quietly encouraged some users to downgrade to Windows XP after continued problems. Yet, to many a Microsoft diehard, it's the best drink they've ever had.
8. Macintosh Portable
Launched in 1989 as Mac's first portable computer, in reality, the thing was about as functional as an abacus. At $6,500, it featured just 1 MB of RAM and weighed nearly 16 pounds, sizing out a bit larger than a Ford Escort. But just imagine what it would have been like to play Asteroid wherever and whenever you damn well pleased.
7. E-Books
E-Books were created for people who enjoy reading text on computer screens and hate the simplicity of paper. Now, instead of $12 worth of pulp fiction, readers had to manage a $400 dollar book that required power and couldn't be sat, dropped or spilled on. Fun.
6. Atari Jaguar
Despite having the most badass packaging ever (black box, piercing yellow eyes and blood-red logo), Jaguar pooped away its chances at console superstardom when it released a controller with more buttons than a telephone. After four games of Doom, all that remained was a serious case of carpel tunnel and an ice pack.
5. WebTV
WebTV was designed for the person who loves the Internet, but hates moving, which amounted to about 17 people. It was purchased by Microsoft and rebranded as MSN TV in 2001 and quickly fell into obscurity after its Classic and Plus clients were limited to dialup, putting them about on par with the Amish.
4. Virtual Reality
In the late '80s, virtual reality meant going to the mall, putting on a Daft Punk-like helmet, and walking around in a circle as if someone had turned the lights out on you. Two decades later, it's now synonymous with Second Life, which is only marginally better because you now have the chance to meet a virtual Dwight Schrute.
3. Segway
Next to eating gold or wiping your rear with a crisp hundred, there's no better way to waste money than to spend it on a contraption designed to eliminate walking. Heralded as what "the car was to the horse and buggy" by inventor Dean Kamen, Segways are now best known to Chicagoans as what walking was to the uber-nerds who guard the Bean at Millennium Park.
2. Apple "Hockey Puck" Mouse
Apple released the puckster with its 1998 iMac G3, which until about two years ago was also known as top-of-the-line hardware for interns at UR Chicago. While the mouse was innovative for its USB connectivity (first of its kind), it was near impossible to use for anyone with a hand larger than a third grader's and was discontinued two years later.
1. Tamagotchi
Tamagotchis were good at two things: pooping and starving to death. The lone objective for the digi-pets was to eat as many oversized meals as possible, and then drop business that looked strangely similar to a miniature Hershey Kiss. Owners (mostly 12-year-old girls) could punish the varmint and allow it to starve or continue to feed it and repeat the process, thus cementing the connection between digi-poop and chocolate for the rest of their lives.
This is a sampling from the section in the current magazine - to read it all, download a PDF or pick up a hard copy of UR Chicago
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