Metallica & Lou Reed || Lulu

Metallica & Lou Reed
Lulu
Label: Warner Bros.
Released on: October 31st, 2011
Grade: 1 out of 5 Meatballs
Reviewed by: Rebecca “Bonks” Rothschild

Hetfield… we have a problem. Several in fact. German playwright Frank Wedekind has been given more than enough tributes to his tale of Lulu, a woman of perpetual ruin. She goes from elated to prostitution to pure rock bottom, a real heart-warmer. Granted she’s an ideal metal muse, but if ever there was a way to make her slit her own wrists and cut this play short, it would be Metallica and Lou Reed’s collaboration, Lulu. “I am a table!” Velvet Underground’s Lou Reed exclaims over watered-down Metallica and James howling in the background on the track “The View.” Well Lou, you’ve got anyone who listens to this on all fours with no lube so I guess in a way we’re all tables, THANKS!

Metallica fans I warn you now, don’t touch this thing with a 90 ft. toilet brush, or your brain may never recover. The Internet has already nominated Lulu as one of the worst albums of the year, and I’m inclined to agree. Reed performs in a violent, unsettling spoken word fashion while Metallica insults itself by merely stringing together half-assed riffs and percussion with Hetfield providing some backup. Even worse, this sucker goes on for about 90 minutes with only a few intermissions of a different, but equally disappointing, sound. You can file this album next to Shatner’s spoken word confections and walk away.

I don’t throw my meatballs around all willy nilly, but I am going to throw down one on this disaster, and I’ll explain why. Technically, this might be the most brutal thing to ever happen to metal, thus leaving a serious, not necessarily appreciated, mark on the industry. The other reason may be that I’m uncertain if review ratings can be void of meatballs. Well boys, take your meatball and consider yourselves lucky, and make sure to share, you all equally contributed to this epic failure.