SELECTIONS from TOP TEN | MAY 2008 | archives: archives: last issue
SNOOZE JOBS
The bad and the (ironically) ugly ways people attempt
to look better
by Kevin Almasy
illustration by Jesus Ortiz
10. Butt Implants
While the implants give you a fuller, more Kardashian-esque backside, like any
other silicone knapsack, over time your cosmetically enhanced ass will drop, landing somewhere around your knees.
9. Egyptian Sugaring
In the "if the Pharaoh did it, it must be good" line of thinking comes sugaring.
The ancient hair-removal technique involves supplementing lava-hot wax for
a concoction of sugar, lemon, water
and honey, before removing it with a porous cloth. And if you're not into waxing, try schmearing the sugar-ridden mixture
on a bagel.
8. Porcelain Veneers
Veneers were invented in the 1930s to temporarily fix the teeth of the days' film stars. Now some 70 years later, they're
used to mimic the desired jaw line of a Clydesdale for rich people. Cheeeeeeeeeese.
7. Lip Injections
In 2007 you can inject your lips with a lot of stuff. While collagen remains the filler of choice for the Simpsons and the Montags of the world, the super cool kids are going with Gore-Tex implants. Yes, the same stuff that keeps the wind from whisking through your fleece can also be stuffed in your face.
6. The G-spot Amplification
Two things that should not go together: 3.5-inch needles full of collagen and vaginas. But for a woman looking to swell her G-spot to the size of a silver dollar,
the two are a match made in heaven.
5. Hair Transplant
Instead of splurging on a sports car to assuage the male midlife crisis, why not graft your chest hair to your scalp to cover your less-than-favorable receding hairline? If you choose to have your chest fuzz glued to your head, you'll be in and out for under $20,000 -- or about half what the fresh wheels would have run you.
4. Calf Implants
Despite doing 500 calf raises a day, you still appear to have the legs of a pre-pubescent 11-year-old. No worries, like half of California you can stick a sack of silicone in your body to feel better about yourself. And if anyone calls you out for having
the bulging calves of a Zeus-like steroid hound, just say you did it to make your clothes fit better.
3. Leg Extension Surgery
Thanks to the dim private health care system in China, adding two inches for your low post game at the 30-and-over rec league means nothing more than shattering your tibias, bracing them and gradually screwing them apart to extend your leg bones as they grow back (hopefully).
And while there is a slightly probable chance you will end up in a wheelchair forever, you may also gain the ability to drop a skyhook like a crazed mofo.
2. Anal Bleaching
It's a common misconception that anal bleaching is for people with discolored poop holes due to chronic dingle
berries. Truth: Discolored poop holes are hereditary. Use the cream at your own
risk, though: The stuff is a suspected carcinogen, banned in both the U.K. and France. Luckily for America we have plenty of assorted pole dancers, porn stars
and run-of-the-mill skanks willing to test that theory.
1. Vaginal Rejuvenation
I'm told that after years of use (and abuse), a vagina resembles a half-eaten roast beef sandwich. But for a price, you can have your vagina not only rejuvenated, but also revirginized. The procedure, which can involve any number of actions -- including a labia trimming or a hymen tightening -- will leave your new and improved parts looking good enough to eat.
This is a sampling from the section in the current magazine - to read it all, download a PDF or pick up a hard copy of UR Chicago
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